I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
