when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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