My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
