he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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