i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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