Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
