hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
