I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
