Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
