So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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