the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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