If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
