i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
