dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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