I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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