I faked an abortion last night.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
