soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
