i think my tv is drunk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
