He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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