It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
