I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
MIDGETS
????
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
