in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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