It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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