I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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