I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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