I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
