I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
