I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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