Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
