i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize