Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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