you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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