we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
