so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
