Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
