Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
