A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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