i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
