so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
