I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
