well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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