she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Its about making memories worth repressing
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
