is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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