So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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