i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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