I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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