Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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