I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
being pregnant is like rehab
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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