U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
