last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
