My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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