is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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