this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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