I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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