Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
