Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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